Emptiness

Hey sorry for not posting for so long...I have been busy as I have a part time job now..

It's already December..the day is coming..

The day that felt like a year away 2 months ago..is knocking at the doorstep.

What have I been doing in the holidays?

Spending quality time with myself...

No wait..

Spending quantity time with myself..

I waited..I tried..to do something that can actually make me smile and stop thinking for a moment..just a moment..seemed like an impossible task this holiday.

Every night I think by myself.

What I can do in the holidays with my frens...and out came a long list of stuff I have always dreamed off doing.

But a dream is a dream.

For 2 months I only see myself thinking of more ideas to do than executing it..

I'm afraid of being alone...why?

Being alone makes me think and wonder, and my deep thoughts are no where near the sunlight...

Every time I'm alone...my mind goes into a dark world of my past..present...and future....and neither of this 3 routes are nice.

I knew I can't go on like this..so I decided to take up a job...to keep me busy.

Perhaps it was a good idea perhaps it's was not.

But then again..when are any ideas I make these days good.

Seeing how other people spend their time together shopping...cycling...chalets...bbqs....or even at a beach...seeing them laugh and enjoy while I was alone looking at them.

Those aren't unfamiliar feelings....

Neglection.

People always tell me.." I am still young...there is a long road ahead of you"

That's what I'm afraid of.

I am only 16 years old..

And the amount of pain and tears that I had gone through...

Life will get harder through the years...

How am I going survive.

When I can't even stand up on my own two feet at the age of 16..

My heart is heavy...my feelings..are so dull as though I don't care much about anything.

I don't want to be alone...

I don't want to suffer...

I don't want to cry ..

Not anymore....not again..

Please.